Thirteen leagues, seventy-five points, one belt

A tribute to the greatest booth in football. Week 1, from the top.

SUMMERALL: Week one. Thirteen leagues. Seventy-five points on the table, and a championship belt waiting at the end of it.

MADDEN: Seventy-five! And here's the thing, Pat — you got ten regular leagues, that's six apiece, that's sixty. Then you got these three guillotine deals, five each, that's fifteen more. Sixty and fifteen. Boom. Seventy-five. That's a lot of football for two guys who live a thousand miles apart and somehow still can't get away from each other.

SUMMERALL: Neither man has scored a point.

MADDEN: Nobody's scored! It's all zeroes! Everybody's undefeated, everybody's a genius, nobody's dropped a touchdown yet. This is the best day of the whole year.

SUMMERALL: The main event is The CHAMPIONS League. Twelve teams. Ronaldo's Heroes against Shoughy Ducky Quack Quack. It's the only league where they play each other this week.

MADDEN: Now — okay. I gotta say the name. Shoughy Ducky Quack Quack. That's Mike's team. And I don't know what it means, Pat, I don't think Mike knows what it means, but I'll tell you what: when a guy names his team Shoughy Ducky Quack Quack, he is not worried about losing with dignity. He's already past that.

SUMMERALL: It's worth no belt points.

MADDEN: ZERO points! And that's what makes it great! There's nothing riding on it except the entire rest of the year of hearing about it. That's the game that comes up at Thanksgiving. That's the game somebody's still bringing up in 2031.

SUMMERALL: The Geonosian Arena. Five hundred dollars. Keith has Order 66 against I Have the High Ground. Mike has Unlimited Power against Donkey Strong.

MADDEN: This is a Star Wars league and everybody committed, and I respect that. But look at the matchup — Order 66 versus I Have the High Ground. That's the actual movie! Somebody in this league is doing a bit and never stopped doing it. And it's the most expensive league on the board. Five hundred dollars. That's a real number.

SUMMERALL: In The Sarlacc Pit, two hundred seventy-five dollars, Keith's team is called deucebrat.

MADDEN: That's his username, Pat.

SUMMERALL: It is.

MADDEN: That's his USERNAME! He never named the team! Two hundred and seventy-five dollars in a dynasty league — dynasty, that's forever, that's your kids' problem — and the man could not be bothered to type a name into the box. Meanwhile he's playing a guy called 1600dolo. Somebody in that league is trying and it is not Keith.

SUMMERALL: Three leagues are on bye. All three guillotines. Chopped And Screwed, Guillotine, Survival of the fittest.

MADDEN: Eighteen teams each! That's fifty-four teams sitting there, and here's the beautiful part — in a guillotine league, every week the low scorer is GONE. Roster gets released, players go back in the pool, see ya. And these two changed the rules for it: two points for outlasting the other guy, three if you win the thing outright. So it's not who's better, it's who's still breathing. Nobody dies this week. Everybody dies eventually.

SUMMERALL: 11 Personnel. Thirty-two teams.

MADDEN: THIRTY-TWO! That's the whole league, Pat! That's every NFL team! Luv Ya Blue is playing a guy named Cam, dot dot dot, Danger, dot dot dot, Ward. With the dots. He typed the dots in. And on the other side Mike's Gotham City Football has drawn Russini's Source, which — that's a beat reporter joke, and in a thirty-two team league you gotta take your entertainment where you find it.

SUMMERALL: The Annual East/West Collegiate Bowl. Javaris Jamar Javarison against Jackmerius Tacktheritrix.

MADDEN: I'm not touching it, Pat. That whole league is one joke and everybody's in on it and I'm not gonna be the guy who explains it. Mike's playing somebody called EEEEE EEEEEEEEE. Just the letter E. I love this league.

SUMMERALL: In the AFC and NFC leagues, half the teams have a number in the name. One Bills Drive 195.5. Miami Mikey, one fifty-one oh eight. The Dome Patrol, two forty-eight. Burrowhead, two ninety-nine seventy-one.

MADDEN: Those are roster values, Pat. These guys are walking around with what their team is WORTH stapled to the front of the jersey. And I love it, but that's a bold move — because the day you're two and six with the most valuable roster in the league, that number stops being a brag and turns into evidence.

SUMMERALL: Both leagues are five-point passing touchdowns.

MADDEN: Five, not six! And that sounds like nothing. It is NOT nothing. Your quarterback throws three touchdowns, that's three points you didn't get. Three points is a tight end. That's a whole guy you're not playing with.

SUMMERALL: Mike is in fifty-five leagues Keith isn't in. Keith is in four Mike isn't.

MADDEN: Fifty-five! Now, some guys will tell you that's an edge, more reps, more information. I'm gonna tell you something different. There is a number of lineups a man can set on a Sunday morning, and somewhere past about twenty, he's not setting lineups anymore, he's just clicking. Mike's gonna have a guy on a bye in a starting slot by October. Book it.

SUMMERALL: Ten of the thirteen play this week. And it starts tonight.

MADDEN: TONIGHT! Wednesday night! Not Thursday — Wednesday! Somebody moved the whole thing up a day and I'm not even mad about it. Because here's what it comes down to, Pat, and I've said this before: the guy who scores more points is gonna win the football game. That's just how it works. Seventy-five points out there. Both of 'em sitting on zero. Somebody's buying a belt.

SUMMERALL: Kickoff is tonight.